Why am I so unpredictable as a parent? Why am I sometimes a fun, patient mother and sometimes a grouchy, snappy mother? Why can I sometimes lay my head on my pillow at night feeling like I did my kids right and sometimes, with tears in my eyes and resentment in my heart, I just wish I could start all over and be better and do better?
The fact that I’m a human is partly to blame. Being a human means you make mistakes. I hate that part of being a human. So, humanity is to blame (that and unrealistic expectations).
Sometimes my expectations are realistic and sometimes they are not. When the kids don’t act like I think they should or wish they would I come unglued. I get so annoyed and frustrated at them for daring to be children, for being human themselves. And, because I seem to have little to no self control, I voice my frustration. I yell, they become upset, I hate myself, they hate themselves (and probably me, too), they act out again and the cycle continues and we end up doing this tango all day long.
I hate the way I feel when I yell or spank or become a bully. I hate it. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be the mother I am in my head. The mother who is balanced and sane and calm and kind and fun. The mother who doesn’t say things like “whyyyyy do y’all never let me sleep?”
Lord, make a home in my heart. Soften me, unrush me, strip away all that is unnecessary so that I am able to be a peaceful mother. I long to be the mother you created me to be. Help me to model kindness even in moments of frustration. Give me the grace to begin again after small (and big) failures. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for loving even the messed up version of me. Amen.