I’m in a rut. I’m in a rut and I’m doing nothing to get out of it. I spend zero time in daily prayer. My only “check in” with the Lord is our nightly family prayer. I have missed mass for two weeks now. I am just plain spiritually weak and, to top it off, I complain a whole lot-about everything.
I think my friends are starting to notice because when I text them “woe is me, this is hard” texts they don’t send back “I feel ya, girl” texts anymore. They try to get me to look at the glass half full. I appreciate those pep talks, I really do, but right now I’m so lost that I cannot even see the glass. There is no glass to be half full (or half empty for that matter).
I am sorry to report there is no happy ending to this post. There is nothing I’ve learned. There is no spin. This is just where I am. I am knee deep in motherhood and the wife life. I am honoring my commitment to those roles and, right now, I do not know how to be a faithful, pregnant mother, wife AND Christian. I haven’t figured it out.
I will go to confession this Saturday. I will dust myself off and try once again because that’s what God is. He is Mercy and He is Love. I am so grateful for a God who loves with a a capital L. He loves me unconditionally. He loves me even when I forget Him or ignore Him.
That last sentence was really hard to type: when I FORGET Him or IGNORE Him. Those are strong words. But, that’s where I am. I’m in a season where prayer is non-existent and He isn’t first. (Heck, He isn’t even fourth or sixth.) And I know it’s wrong and I know it’s not His plan for me. I haven’t figured out how to live out His plan yet. But I will keep trying. I will pick myself up and dust myself off again and again (and again and again….). Because He doesn’t ask us to be perfect He asks us to be faithful.
Lord, use my small daily works within my family for Your glory. Help me to become who You created me to be. Give me strength. Help me to love You more and to love my family more. Amen.