Motherhood, Real Talk

My Meltdown

I’ve written a few times about how I accidentally got married. I don’t regret stumbling into this life that I have. This dude I accidentally married is truly perfect for me and I wouldn’t take it back for a minute, but I’d be lying if I said I never imagine what my life could be like. I imagine what I’d be doing if I was a different person with a different life. I imagine the other me.

The other me is always living in some big city wearing a black pencil skirt. I am single and I have no children. I am wearing high heels and I’m in a highly competitive business office. I am stressed, but it’s the good stress, the kind that gives you legs and allows you to think and make decisions. I am quick on my feet and I thrive under the pressure.

After I get off of work, I go to some upscale restaurant and sit at the bar alone and sip a fancy drink while I eat my fancy food. I check my email. I have a flat stomach and the world is my oyster. Anything is possible. I finish up my meal and I go home to an empty and clean apartment. I take a shower and get into my big, clean bed. I wake up the next day and do it all again except it looks extremely different or exactly the same because I can do whatever I want whenever I want without a single thought about how it might affect anyone but me.

I had a meltdown today about this other me. I was sitting on the couch in my sweatpants with my frizzy, ethnic hair in a messy bun on top of my head watching The Minions Movie with my two youngest kids begging me for snacks they were going to waste and I wondered what the hell the point of my life was. What the hell was I doing? Why the hell had I chosen this life when I had so much damn potential. I am a smart girl. I am a wasted person. I wasted myself on this life that requires so much of me physically but nothing of me intellectually. I sat on the couch and barked at my children for daring to be children and I yelled at my husband because of how I felt inside and I wondered why I chose this life.

And I was scared. I was scared that the other me would just completely die. And I was angry that this fat, makeup free, sweatshirt wearing woman who is almost 30 isn’t the other me. I could deal with this “only a mom” being the other me. Why is it the real me?

This story doesn’t have a lollipop ending. I didn’t wake up and realize that my life has immense purpose. I did not run hand in hand with my children through a field of flowers. That’s not what happened. What happened is I complained to my husband about this other me. I told him that I wasted my life away. I cried and cried and cried. He let me. He didn’t feel threatened. He listened and he assured me that life is just tough right now. My emotions are crazy. I am growing a baby. Juliet is in physical therapy because she refuses to walk. Dane is in speech therapy because he has delayed speech and in special ed because he is delayed developmentally. Elaina goes to a school that is too expensive for us. It’s a lot. And it’s just life. No one is dying. We have a roof over our heads. It’s not a big deal. And, for me, it feels absolutely impossible on days like today.

And, so, I cried to my husband and I texted that friend I have who allows me to say real things and says back “dude, me too” instead of “pray more and you’ll be ok”. Because sometimes you just need to cry and have someone tell you that you aren’t crazy alone. Sometimes you need a husband to allow you to have a crisis and a friend who says “I get you, I get you and your crazy ass ways and I love you anyway”.

And today, that’s the win. The win is that I have those two people (and many others) in my life who make this life. This REAL life. This real, hard, messy, crazy life worth it. And who love me for me. And that’s enough.

2 thoughts on “My Meltdown”

  1. There will always be those moments of doubt and uncertainty. And that’s ok. Then faith kicks in. Faith in God, that you are where you were meant to be. Faith in yourself, that in reality you did not stumble into this life, but chose it with love and instinct that every choice you were making was the right choice for you, and not the life you had envisioned for yourself. In my other life, I was as successful as you and I was making an impact on the world with my intelligence and political savvy.
    Instead, I chose the life I live and in reality I make an impact on the lives I touch every day. It’s not fancy or newsworthy, but it is real and I know that there is truly no place I would rather be. You have so much on you right now. It can be so overwhelming to be the center of everyone’s universe at the expense of your own. Take a deep breath, realize that your emotions right now are not just your own, but are shared and influenced by that of the life you are carrying. Realize that these extreme and heightened feelings will pass. In the book of your life, this is a challenging chapter, but there is so much more to the story. It is a fantastic tale that is being told and that will continue to evolve.
    You are beautiful, smart, talented, educated, accomplished and very much loved. No, you are not in a pencil skirt solving the world’s problems…but today everything you do will make a difference in the world that you created. Deep down, you know that you are living the life of your dreams, not the
    life you thought was a dream. Hang in there, kiddo. I love you.

    Like

  2. I get this. I feel this. And you are right….the adult humans you surround yourself with make all the difference. Sometimes the difference between jumping or slowly backing off the ledge, taking a deep breath, and trusting that God has you where you’re supposed to be. ❤❤❤

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s