Trimester Breakdown

I’ve entered the third trimester.  Pregnancy is divided into three trimesters.  All the different sources don’t agree EXACTLY on when each trimester stops and the next begins, but I consider the first trimester up until 12 weeks, the second from 13-27 and the third everything after that!  It doesn’t really matter when “they” say each one stops and starts, you’ll know even if you’re not keeping track. How will you know?

This is a breakdown of how the trimesters go:

The First Trimester: You find out you’re pregnant.  Oh my God, I cannot believe I’m really pregnant.  Wait, am I really pregnant?  Let me take 27 pregnancy tests just to make sure and then confirm with a blood test just to make DOUBLE sure.  You walk around wondering if people are looking at you because they just “know” some secret way.  Your boobs are so sensitive you don’t even know what to do with yourself.  (This begins the process of the looooong “hands off my boobs” stage your husband hates.)  Anything (and I mean ANYTHING) makes you nauseated.  You live your life nauseated with achy boobs.  You’re bloated and EX-HAUS-TED.  You spend every waking moment wondering if the baby is ok in there.  You wish you had a way to know for sure.  Every time you go to the bathroom to pee you examine the toilet paper just to make absolutely sure there is no trace of blood on it.  You complain constantly about feeling crummy and then if you have any moments that you do NOT feel crummy, you wonder if it means something is wrong with the baby.

The Second Trimester: Your risk of miscarriage has gone significantly down and you’re not AS crazy.  You probably aren’t nauseated anymore (some people still are– bless their hearts).  Your boobs don’t hurt and the bloat is starting to get better.  You have energy!! You are feeling good!  Strangers at Wal Mart can tell you’re pregnant.  Pregnancy isn’t so bad.  You find out if the baby is a boy or girl and have “The DUN DUN DUN Anatomy Scan“.  You are loving pregnancy and cannot wait to meet your bundle of joy.  Life is good.  What do all those people complain about?  

The Third Trimester:  You hate life.  Pregnancy sucks.  You are HUGE.  You literally pee about 35 times a day.  Your bladder is never empty.  Your acne is OUT-OF-CONTROL at this point.  Your back hurts and your feet and hands are swollen.  You are tired again, but it’s impossible to get comfortable.  You need approximately 14 pillows to get comfortable.  You don’t have 14 pillows.  Your husband is all “LOL, get over yourself dramatic!”. Your boobs are hurting again, and they are HUGE.  Not cute huge.  It’s not “awesome” (no matter what your stupid husband says) it’s disgusting. They hang on your belly.  You feel like you are in a fat suit.  You have to do the pregnant lady waddle now.  You itch for absolutely no reason.  You google it.  “Pregnancy and itching” and all kind of crazy stuff comes up and all of a sudden you think you have a disease, but, nope you’re just itchy for NO REASON.  They don’t talk about THAT in the pregnancy book. Stupid damn book.  People at Wal Mart (that you’ve never met before in your freaking liiiiiife) ask you questions.  They guess the sex of your baby.  They comment on how big or small you are or what you look like or whatever comes to their mind at the time.  They have no filter.  They are RUDE.  You hate everyone.  (Side note: if people are constantly guessing that you’re having a boy, you’re golden!! You’re cute! You don’t FEEL cute, but you are!  Now, if people are constantly guessing girl, punch them in the throat cause they’re calling you fat.  Stupid old wives’ tales.)  Absolutely nothing fits.  Even the stuff that was really big that you thought you’d be able to wear the entire time.  You tell your husband and he’s all “Well you only have about 2 months left do you really need to buy clothes? I mean isn’t that kind of pointless?” Good times.  When you reach about 35 weeks everyone and their mom will text you and be all “anything yet?” and you will hate them.  You feel like the baby will never come out.  You are SO DONE.

Then you have the baby and it’s the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen and you decide to do it all over again one day.  Why?  Because you only remember the second trimester.  God was looking out for humankind!  

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