“They” say marriage is hard. I don’t think it’s MARRIAGE that’s hard (if you’re married to the right person). Like, not the union itself. I think the hard part is handling LIFE together. Life is all the stuff that happens while you’re married. It’s tough. Life is full of money struggles, finding a house, getting pregnant, pregnancy, raising your children, dealing with your families, losing and changing jobs, death and all kind of crazy curveballs that you didn’t even see coming. Getting through THAT is the hard part, I think? People handle things differently and when you have a life partner you have to trudge through all that hard stuff together.
I mean, I don’t claim to be an expert on marriage! I’ve only been married for two years. So, if I have a PhD in pregnancy, then I am still in the preschool of marriage. But…..after I became an adult and saw what most people call “marriage” it scared me!!
I honestly think it was luck (or God–whatever you want to call it) that brought me to marry Marvin. It wasn’t a conscious decision. Sometimes I think back about the guys who came before him and shudder at the thought of being stuck with any of those guys for FOREVER. I didn’t know my self worth and I put myself through some pretty crazy relationships. (My mom still talks about how hard it was for her to watch me go through that.)
When I first met Marvin, it’s not like the stars aligned and Jesus spoke to me and was all “here unto ye I’ve brought this dude to marry”. It wasn’t anything like that actually. We went on our first date, and it was fun. It was the best first date either of us had, but it wasn’t magical or romantic. It was full of sarcasm and laughing. It was just….fun. We dated for about 8 months before Marvin even realized we were dating. Ha. That boy put the “play” in the word “player”. It took him a while to catch his head. I think the real switch happened when he fell in love with me. (I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy, but it’s true.) That’s when things changed and he put his “wild oats” in his past.
I’m not writing this blog post to talk about how wonderful Marvin is (even though he REALLY is darn awesome). I just want to put a little PSA out there to all the women who aren’t yet married. I don’t want you to settle. I want you to wait for your “Marvin”.
I met, dated and got married to Marvin by accident. No, really. It just happened. It wasn’t like I was like “Oh my….this one is a KEEPER!! Let me make sure I hold on to him.” We just progressed through life events naturally and here we are happily married with a two and a half year-old and we’re 3 months away from welcoming our second little.
So, if I just “accidentally” married Marvin….. think about how SCARY it would’ve been if I just accidentally married some other guy. I think that’s what happens with some people. They just progress through life and marry someone and then BAM you’re married and you probably shouldn’t be? Do you know what I mean?
So, I guess I’m trying to help you NOT accidentally marry someone? Or, at least, not accidentally marry someone sucky.
How do you not marry someone sucky? Don’t date the sucky people. Don’t waste your time. At the very least, it’ll mess up who you are and then you’ll carry all kind of baggage into your healthy relationship and just cause problems where there aren’t any.
Relationships shouldn’t be full of anxiety. This is one of the things I remember the most from my past “relationships”. I dated this one guy who was crazy controlling. Now, at the time I didn’t realize he was controlling! But, I would get anxiety if I didn’t have my phone with me or couldn’t answer because it would undoubtedly cause a fight about how I didn’t answer and what was I doing and blah blah blah. I would get a sinking pit-in-my-stomach feeling if I looked at my phone and saw a missed call from him. Then, when I met Marvin, all it took was him saying “Hey! Tried calling you!” and I was thrown back into that anxiety and I’d go insane on him. It brought me back to that anxious place. That was me bring my baggage into the relationship.
You should be 100% yourself. I mean the REAL you. I mean, you shouldn’t have to hold anything back. You shouldn’t have to watch what you say. You should be able to be your real, authentic, mole-y self with this person. If you feel like you have to put on a show or hide certain aspects of yourself, that’s not good. I should’ve known Marvin was the *right* guy when I was finally able to use the bathroom while he was in the house. I’m kidding…..kind of, but you get the point.
Your family and friends shouldn’t hate him. If your parents and friends don’t like him (or your relationship together) something is probably wrong. I mean, sometimes you just have a crappy judge-y family, but if you have a good family and they don’t like your guy or how he treats you, this is probably a good sign that he isn’t necessarily right for you. If you find yourself holding back on telling them the “rough” patches of your relationship because they’re going to roll their eyes and be all “agaaaaain?” then something is probably wrong.
There are some things that should make you run immediately: a guy who punches holes in your wall, a guy who has ever called you an ugly name in anger, a guy who constantly accuses you of being unfaithful (if you’re trustworthy).
Do you know how short life is? Life is WAY too short to fight with someone 24/7. It’s too short to spend EVERY SINGLE DAY with someone you don’t like. Life is hard enough without marrying someone crappy! Please, don’t do this to yourself.
Remember how I said I accidentally married Marvin? Well, it’s true. But you know what? I never once wondered if I was making the right decision. I never once wondered if he was right for me. I never once wondered if I was going to regret my decision. Most importantly: I never once wondered if there was better out there. Never.
I say this all the freaking time and I know that some people roll their eyes at it, but it’s really 100% true: You know how you imagine what your life will be like, what that guy will be like, what your life together will be like? My imagination didn’t even come CLOSE to Marvin. I imagined the knight in shining armor on the white horse. I imagined the stuff the love stories are made of. I imagined all the stuff that you probably imagine, and you know what? Marvin BLEW THAT GUY OUT OF THE WATER. That guy doesn’t even come close to Marvin. I didn’t even know how good it could be. Marvin isn’t perfect. (No matter what his mom says!!) He is a human being and he has flaws, but you know what? He is perfect for me.
Don’t settle. If you trust in yourself and your self worth, you could end up with a guy who exceeds your expectations. You could end up with the guy that you didn’t even know existed.
Pictures I love:
Marvin and my grandmother dancing at our wedding.
Exchanging vows as I adjust Marvin’s tie. Typical.
Us at a friend’s wedding.
And, another friend’s wedding.
He dances SO much better than I do.
Me (calm and collected) making a speech at our rehearsal dinner. Marvin (standing there silent) and about to pass out he is so nervous.
Happy Anniversary to the best father I’ve ever met. I love you always.