I don’t want to circumcise Dane. I don’t care that people will think his dingdong looks different. I don’t care that your Aunt Rhonda said it will be easier to clean. I don’t care. I’m one of those moms (read: crazy) that feels like my every moment in the first few months should be devoted to keeping my infant: safe, healthy and happy. That’s my mantra. I pray for it every night. “Dear God: please keep Elaina safe, healthy and happy.” I pray for Dane swimming around in my belly, too.
I googled a circumcision video when I was pregnant with Elaina (before I knew she was a she). And, maaaaaan.
Pretend like someone told you that they were going to take your few-hours-old baby AWAY FROM YOU (problem #1) and then strap him down and cut a part off of his penis. Like, no!
This is a cut and dry issue for me (no pun intended). Dane will not be circumcised. End of story. Thanks for shopping. Come again.
But, then there’s this guy I’m married to. His name is Marvin and he sometimes wants to have a say in the decisions we make in our family. (Annoying.) He says yes. He says he will be circumcised. He uses the same excuses you always hear: it’s easier to clean, it’s what people do, etc.
I’m not convinced that it’s easier to clean. I mean: what’s easier to clean? Your armpit WITH your arm covering it or your armpit free of an arm. Obviously, it’s easier to clean your underarm if you don’t have an arm obstructing your entrance to your armpit, but we aren’t all goin’ crazy removing babies’ arms at birth!
It’s not necessarily what people do, either! More and more people are leaving their little boys “intact”.
I told Marvin this. It didn’t seem to matter. He still says he should get circumcised.
Now, let’s take a moment away from circumcision talk to explain something to the non-married folk. In every marriage, there is a pain-in-the ass. I am WELL AWARE that I am the pain-in-the-ass. Marvin lives his life care free. He listens to me bitch, cry, complain, he follows directions, he rubs my pregnant feet, he goes to work, he plays with our daughter, he does EVERYTHING without complaining. I’ve literally never heard this man complain. I mean it. I’ve never heard him complain once. My whole life is one big complaint. I affectionately call him “Marvin the Martyr”.
Marvin the Martyr lives his life by this theory: Happy wife, happy life. And, let me tell ya folks, when I’m your wife that is a TOUGH theory to uphold. Normally, no matter what I throw at him he just goes with it. Not this. He is holding strong.
So, what are we going to do, you ask? I’m going to let Marvin make this decision. He’s never felt this strongly about anything and I heard someone say one time that marriage is about compromise (pssssst). So, we’re compromising. Marvin can decide if Dane is circumcised or not and I can decide every decision for the rest of our lives (like I’ve been doing all along). Seems fair.