What to REALLY Expect: Part One

Every pregnant lady has heard of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting“. It’s the book that millions of women read to get ready (pause and allow a moment of laughter at the word “ready”) for pregnancy. I read that book. I also read a million other books about pregnancy. I signed up for emails telling me what size fruit my baby resembled that week. I googled every time I didn’t quite find my question in the book. And, I text messaged my mom after what I found on google scared the living daylights out of me. After my 38 weeks of pregnancy with Elaina- Marvin and I often joke that I have a PhD in “Pregnancy”. I’m basically an OBGYN.

The truth about the books, though, is: THEY LIE. 

Well, I mean, they lie by omission. I could write a 500 page manifesto about all the things they don’t tell you in those books. So, I’m here for all the women who have never been pregnant. I’m going to tell you what it’s REALLY like. I’m going to be real real here. (You should probably stop reading at this point if you want to continue to live in a Heidi Klum-esque pregnancy bubble.)

(Edit: if you want a book that KINDA touches on the truth of pregnancy, I would suggest reading Belly Laughs. Key word: kinda)

Part One: You’re Fat 

My legs rub together when I walk. I’m not pregnant in my legs. When you imagine what you’ll be like pregnant you probably imagine yourself NOW with a belly. Stop doing that. It’s only going to hurt you when you get fat. I know some of you are thinking “I won’t get fat! I eat healthy, I exercise, I’m naturally thin, etc.”  Blah. Blah. Blah. You’re going to get fat.  Then, you’ll complain to your close friends/family about how you feel disgusting, and they’ll say “you’re not fat, you’re PREGNANT” and you’ll want to donkey punch them straight in the mouth. 

I don’t know why you get fat. I don’t know how it works. I just know that parts that do not contain the baby puff up and it doesn’t make sense, but it happens. You’ll get a fuller face, your legs will get bigger, your ass will be fat, not phat, just FAT.  It just happens. I know someone out there is reading this and STILL thinking that you’ll be the exception to the rule. You won’t, but just for fun:

If (by some miracle) you aren’t fat (wink wink). You’ll get acne like it’s goin’ out of style. Yes, even if you have wonderful skin now. You’ll get pimples on your face, chest and back. It’s super sexy. 

If (by some other miracle) you don’t get fat OR have acne, your nose will grow seven times its normal width.

So, let’s put it all together: you’re a young lady who is normally pretty thin, you have normal skin and a human nose . All of a sudden, there’s a thing inside you that makes it impossible to pull up your jeans past your knees. You’re in denial, so you try like hell to jiggle those suckers up. And, you’re pregnant, so you sweat through your shirt while trying. After you give up and put on something with an elastic waist band, you spend 2 hours trying to Apricot Scrub all the acne off your face (it doesn’t work) so then you spend another 2 hours trying to apply make up to hide your crater face and contour your nose down to a normal size. You text someone (husband? friend? mom?) to vent about how you feel GROSS and you just want to cry and they respond with “No. You’re beautiful!! You’re pregnant!” and then, again, you want to punch them in the face. 

It’s HARD. It SUCKS. It’s basically a year of your life that out-of-nowhere (that’s how it feels) your body is completely different and you feel hideous.  It’s REALLY hard if you’re a person who has never had to struggle with weight. All of a sudden, you see numbers on the scale that make you shudder and you don’t fit into anything and you just feel GROSS and your body feels out of your control. And, you can’t vent because people are all “O-M-G you are SO CUTE”. (Face punch)

Well, if you’re pregnant and you want the truth, comment below or email me. I won’t say “but you’re creating life, you’re glowing, it’s magical, it’s beautiful, embrace your blubber”. I’ll tell you what my husband tells me every time I complain: “I know it sucks, but it’s for a good cause, it’s not forever and I appreciate you doing this for us.” (<minus the appreciate part, that’s your husband’s job)

So, if you’re pregnant and you feel hideous and fat. You’re allowed. It’s hard. It sucks. But, it’s not forever. It’ll be over soon.

(Disclaimer: there are some freaks of nature out there (my sister-in-law) who only gain 10 lbs and wear all their pre-pregnancy clothes and look like the celebrities. Those are the people who perpetuate the rumor that pregnancy changes only your belly size. Just keep in mind, the more people like that you know, the odds that YOU will be one of those people go down. So, don’t count on it.)

 Proof in pictures. The first picture is of me as a normal human being. The second picture is of me as a pregnant human being.

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